AUSTIN, Texas — After working from home all day, your takeout order arrives and you start binge-watching your favorite show alone. Sounds ideal, right? Except doing this routinely could shorten your life.
And that's not because of the nutritional content of your dinner. It's because having strong, positive relationships is one of the best ways to extend your life, according to research.
"Human beings just are a fundamentally social species. We have a fundamental need to belong," said Dr. Amit Kumar, associate professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Texas at Austin's McCombs School of Business.
With everything else you have going on, why should you make a change? Because the cost of loneliness is huge.
"The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity," wrote then U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy in his 2023 advisory on the "healing effects" of social connection.
The lack of strong social ties has been linked to a greater risk of problems with health or well-being, including more stress, high blood pressure, premature death and poor coping skills.
But finding friends as an adult can be hard. Some people's mindsets hinder their ability to make connections, while a lack of affordable places to meet is a challenge for others, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute.
But the effort is worth it. Here's how Jackson and other experts suggest you combat those limitations and find your community.
Breaking down barriers to friendship
If you want to make more connections in your life, consider how you might be counteracting that goal and prepare to change, said Jackson, author of "Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women's Relationships."
Many people have a fear of rejection, real or perceived, while others have social anxiety, Jackson said. But if you never take risks, Kumar noted, you never give your brain a chance to see that you actually can socialize.
Practicing cognitive behavioral therapy or setting yourself up for "micro" moments to put yourself out there can help you regulate social anxiety and rejection-sensitivity, experts said.
Not everyone is going to like you, and you need to learn to regulate your emotional response to that. That could look like noting the sting and thinking, "Well, that was awkward" — but not immediately labeling that person a jerk or deciding something about you is defective.
Engage with a waiter a bit longer than normal and ask for a menu accommodation you know they will decline, Jackson said. Check out at the grocery store with a cashier instead of self-checkout to practice your social skills.
If time is an issue, think about canceling some commitments so you can prioritize your social life, experts said. But you should also change what you consider acceptable hangouts — setting time limits is OK, especially when the alternative is not seeing anyone at all.
Dr. Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist, suggests doing mundane activities with friends more often instead of always having bigger, less frequent events focused on catching up.
Defy environmental challenges to socializing
Some people cite the "collapse of third places" as a hindrance to making friends, Jackson said. That's true, she added, but those places are closing in part because of low attendance.
Today's culture of convenience is also to blame, Jackson and Cook said — think grocery delivery orders, mobile order counters, digital reading devices or livestreamed religious services. These have many perks, especially for people with mobility issues, "but I cannot help but to think about the cost," Jackson said.
"We tend to romanticize those serendipitous moments of, like, you're in a coffee shop and you start chatting with the girl in front of you and you guys hit it off," Jackson said.
But that can't happen if we're acting like "little night cooters," Cook said — quickly hopping out, getting our food and then going back to our caves. When clients seek Jackson's help with finding friends, they list all their delivery subscriptions and other conveniences — such as frequent mobile orders — and then eliminate some, which lead to those serendipitous moments.
Don't think in black or white, Jackson said. "If you see it as zero friends or go out and make besties, that's a lot," she added. But if you see all that's available to you — like the neighbor or moviegoer you always run into — you can see what happens.
Finally, get off your phone. When you're always zoned in on your screen, you appear standoffish and won't notice people you might like.
How to keep a friend
Although many people know romantic partnerships require consistent effort and nurturing, many think friendship should be the opposite: easy, natural and organic, Jackson said. This idea may be because growing up, we made friends more easily because we had classes or sports practice with them every day.
But in adulthood, that idea is a falsehood that leads to fizzled-out friendships and loneliness, Jackson said.
Maintaining friendships takes a lot of intention, experts said. Set reminders to check in, be a good listener, don't be judgmental and remember what your new acquaintances like so you can suggest meaningful ways to spend time together — and maybe even live longer.
