Why 4 in 10 Utah teens aren't talking to their parents

SALT LAKE CITY — When it's hot, Ada Weese likes to pack up the children — Annie, 4; Jacob, 2; and Emmy, 1 — and meet her sister and her kids halfway between their homes in Syracuse and Saratoga Springs. Sometimes other relatives come along, too.

That's how the adults came to be at Millcreek Common last Thursday, eating a picnic lunch and watching the kids splash around in the water.

"I think if I keep close relationships with them when they are little, they will trust me when they are older and be able to come to me and ask for advice, instead of going to someone else. I think time with them will help me with that trust," Weese said.

It's a sentiment echoed by Hanna Matekel, who with her husband, Jordan, was playing in the same splash pad with their littles: Remi, who's 4, and Scottie, who's 2½.

Research suggests they're not wrong. Positive experiences kids have in childhood build a strong foundation for trust and emotional support when the bigger challenges come in adolescent and teen years. Those positives carry forward into a better life.

That's important. A statewide SHARP survey for the Utah Department of Health and Human Services shows that there's a big disconnect when it comes to how willing older children are to share their emotions with their parents. While the vast majority of parents (93%) believe their kid would tell them what they're feeling, a robust 4 in 10 teens say they don't talk to anyone when they're struggling.

That's not just a disconnect, but a major challenge, because bad things can happen when kids don't feel seen, heard, supported or safe to express themselves, and having that confidence starts early.

Utah is taking the issue seriously.

It's not just a lack of adverse childhood events that bring families together. Actively ensuring children grow up with positive experiences is key. So Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, his Office of Families and the Department of Health and Human Services have launched the CHAT: Family Connection for Healthy Futures campaign to encourage parents to spend time with their kids, have meaningful conversations and do things together that build and strengthen bonds.

They've been placing the reminder to families on billboards, TRAX trains and buses. There's a short ad and a social media campaign. And they've also got a traveling art display to provide some gentle, if not-so-subtle prodding. It's a green couch with a backdrop that features the campaign logo and comment bubbles with conversation prompts.

"The point is to remind parents, don't be so busy with life that you forget to have those deep and meaningful connections with your children," said Aimee Winder Newton, director of Utah's Office of Families.

How the initiative started

State Rep. Douglas Welton, R-Payson, teaches high school. A couple of years ago, he approached the Office of Families with the idea of a campaign to boost family communication, according to Winder Newton. He'd seen its power and also its lack.

The effort meshes perfectly with Cox's "Built Here" initiative, and a goal to increase positive childhood experiences by 10% by the time his second term ends. The hope is the data from the SHARP survey will show some campaign impact. SHARP stands for Student Health and Risk Prevention, and it's being "used to clock positive childhood experiences," Winder Newton said.

Research, she notes, finds that "positive childhood experiences help overcome childhood trauma. It shows that if kids are well-connected and feel like they have people in their life that they can go to, it increases social capital."

Positive childhood experiences are packed with good things for kids.

The campaign has operated on a shoestring budget, but the Legislature last session liked it so much lawmakers kicked in some funding. Now they're aiming for a second phase, and Winder Newton is looking for a community partner "because you've got to have a pretty significant amount to reach the whole state and really kind of pivot on the message."

Phase 2 will likely incorporate the notion of adults putting their phones away to focus more on communication and meaningful experiences with kids, Winder Newton said.

They did a pre-survey before launching to see how parents feel about the strength of their communication link with adolescents and teens and will do a post-survey later to see if the campaign changed behaviors.

As for that parent-child communication survey disconnect, among the 60% of distressed students who did seek help, Winder Newton said just under 42% chose a parent.

"We had parents say their child's mental health is their No. 1 concern," she said, but they admit just roughly 4% of their focus is related to mental health. "It was so small," Winder Newton said. "We're seeing this disconnect where parents are talking to their kids and they think their kids are telling them things that are happening in their life, but the reality is these kids are still feeling lonely. They feel like they can't get that next level of emotional connection, and we need parents to understand that. Because what it's going to take is intentional time and specific questions to kind of pull some of these things out of their kids."

Winder Newton points out that youths who eat at least one meal a day with their family are 45% less likely to feel depressed, 70% less likely to vape, 54% less likely to consider suicide. "And the more days you can eat dinner with them, the more the benefits increase."

Nor is it about the food. "It's about sitting around the table together and enjoying a meal while you're talking about your day. That's where the benefit comes," she said.

When the kids are ready to talk

Winder Newton's a mom who knows that life is chaotic, and it's easy to fall into what she calls drill sergeant mode. "Get your homework done. Practice the piano. Is your sports equipment ready for practice, because so-and-so is picking you up."

Her teens were usually ready to talk about the time she was ready for sleep. They'd tap on her door and plop on the end of the bed, and she sometimes had to pinch herself to be alert, because those conversations mattered. "That's when they're wide awake and starting to reflect on their day," she said.

It was time for parents to pay attention.

But the foundation for those conversations start early, with things like family dinner. And time together on the splash pad on a hot summer day.

As Matekel said, "We really enjoy camping together as a family — and splash pads, parks, anything outdoors. The library. My hope for my girls in doing these sorts of activities is for them to feel secure in our relationship and know we are a place for them to turn when they need it."

She wants them to "explore and learn and grow while knowing their parents are there. And making sure things are going well. I love being with my kids," Matekel said.

Expectations for the SHARP survey

The CHAT website offers some practical tips, including:

• Spend quality, intentional time together.
• Practice active listening.
• Model positive behavior.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• Encourage your kids and offer affection.
• Show up and engage.

Mary Johnstun, a contractor with Bach Harrison, oversees the SHARP survey, which has been going strong since 2003. It has grown to include tens of thousands of students, surveyed every two years, and is a resource not just for Health and Human Services, but for parents, candidates and researchers who want to know what's going on with youths, she said.

"Research has shown for decades that when youth have a lot of positive experiences, whether positive interactions with their parents or a sense of belonging at their school or positive interactions with their peers and with their teachers, these lead to less depression, improved mental health, less substance use. Honestly, just the correlation between positive youth experiences and any other behavior in a youth's life is really tremendous. And SHARP data have shown this relationship for 20 years now," she said.

Several questions will be added to the fall survey specifically to track the CHAT campaign, including about positive youth experiences and whether those surveyed feel they can talk to an adult in their family or another caring adult, for example, Johnstun said.

Johnstun said that she loves the campaign's focus on what's positive. "Right now in our society, there's so much negativity, and this focus is just tremendously important."

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