3 things every kid needs to hear from the adults who love them the most

SALT LAKE CITY — Being a parent automatically makes you the adult, the grown-up in the room. But are you emotionally mature?

Therapist Eli Harwood shared three simple phrases that can change the way your child trusts you, talks to you and connects with you. She said every kid needs to hear these things from the adults who love them the most.

"What our kids need to hear from us is our humanity and our willingness to accept theirs," she explained. "There's a lot of room for error, and we can get through a lot of ruptures if our kids really sense that we are emotionally able to be reliable for them."

Harwood said that change is happening in our families. We're starting to see our children differently.

"We're looking at kids as humans," she said. "We've changed the level of respect that's happening in our family systems."

In the past, we expected kids to head respect towards us as the parents. Now, parents are intentionally extending that respect back toward children.

Why These Phrases Matter

All three of these phrases get across the same message: "I am safe." Harwood said that safety creates something every parent wants.

"Trust. It's the most valuable resource that we have with our kids," she emphasized.

When parents are emotionally flexible, accept feedback and focus on helping their children become themselves rather than someone else, trust grows on its own.

"They come to us when they need us," Harwood said. "Nothing is more valuable in the life of a parent than a child who knows we are there for them."

"I am not always going to get it right, but it is always your right to tell me when I'm getting it wrong."

As parents, admitting mistakes can feel uncomfortable. But Harwood said it's one of the most powerful things a parent can do. This phrase communicates something kids don't often hear from authority figures in their lives: your feelings matter, and I am willing to listen when I've hurt you. Harwood said research even supports this idea.

"The more a parent has a capacity for reflection and feedback," she explained, "the more secure the bond is between the parent and the child."

That reflection could be something like: "Oh, I hurt you. I can see why you're feeling that way."

"If someone can't take feedback and understand what we're needing from them, how they've impacted us, it's really hard to feel close to them," Harwood emphasized.

When parents create space for feedback from their kids, children learn that honesty is safe and that relationships can survive mistakes.

"I will always work to hear you."

Hearing a child and truly understanding them are not always the same thing.

"Sometimes it's hard to hear our kids," Harwood admitted. "They have opinions that don't make sense to us or they're advocating for things that don't fit in how we grew up."

But kids need to know that we will put in the effort to hear them. It won't always be instant. Sometimes parents need some time to work through their own reactions before they can fully understand their child. The key is letting them know you are willing to do that work.

"Our commitment is, 'I will work to finally hear you. At some point, I will get it,'" Harwood said.

That promise tells kids that their voice matters, even when their parents don't immediately agree.

"My approval is not your goal."

Many parents unintentionally communicate to their kids that success means earning their approval. Harwood said that can create long-term problems.

"So many of us grew up trying to get our parents' approval," Harwood said. "What that led to was an underdevelopment of a sense of self-trust."

Harwood said it's kids' jobs to live authentically and in alignment with their values and with what matters to them. That doesn't mean parents stop guiding their children. It means the relationship shifts from evaluation to support.

"I'm gonna be a support system right beside you," she said. "They're learning how to live honestly in themselves."