The secret 2 words that help parents raise mentally tough, emotionally resilient kids

SALT LAKE CITY — You can read all the books, listen to all the podcasts, lean on all the experts, but research actually makes this one really simple. Effective parenting, the kind that raises mentally tough, emotionally resilient adults, comes down to just two words.

KSL Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson shared how parents can be both firm and kind.

Avoid Being Too Permissive

Parents often see their kids struggling and want to remove the discomfort. Johnson said that it's still important to be empathetic, but always protecting children from difficult things leads to unintended consequences.

"I'm really uncomfortable when my kids are uncomfortable," she said. "When they crave structure and when they crave boundaries and they're not getting it, they don't feel safe."

Excessive permissiveness can actually create anxiety, not freedom.

"It puts our kids in a position where they're more likely to have mental health struggles," she emphasized.

Avoid Being a Drill Sergeant

The opposite extreme isn't healthy either.

"This is, again, functioning from or parenting from a place where there's anger or there's control," Johnson explained.

When parents rely on pressure, urgency and constant correction, kids operate out of fear, not trust.

"It puts them in fight, flight or freeze all the time," Johnson said. "They don't ever develop the logic, the problem-solving, the connection and communication management that we're hoping they develop."

The Sweet Spot

Firm and kind together look like parents who can provide support and understanding while still maintaining expectations and accountability.

"They are definitely kind, they are compassionate, they are empathetic," Johnson said. "And also there are things that they expect you to do."

Connection is the foundation that makes healthy parenting work. Without that relationship, even good parenting advice falls flat.

"For our kids to hear what we have to say and to respond to a firmness or a directness when we parent, there has to be a connection first," she emphasized. "Set aside 15 to 20 minutes to spend with each of your children individually."

She said this time isn't spent reprimanding or reminding, you're just being with them. Those small investments build up trust, which later allows kids to receive firmness, not resist it.

Lower the volume to raise the control.

When things get tense, our instinct as parents is to raise our voice. Johnson said to try doing the opposite.

"When we whisper, they have to quiet their brain to hear what we have to say," she explained.

This works better because it changes the emotional tone of the interaction.

"We take back the control," Johnson said.

Firmness doesn't require a higher volume. Usually, the quieter response actually creates more influence than a louder one.

Don't rescue them from "affordable mistakes."

Children learn responsibility best through natural consequences.

"Don't rescue your kids from mistakes that they can afford to make," Johnson emphasized.

For example, if a child forgets their sports equipment at practice, you don't necessarily need to drop everything to solve the problem. She said to instead be empathetic while still emphasizing accountability.

"That's miserable. I'm sorry that you forgot your gear. I'm sure that next week we can remember," she suggested.

Ask the ultimate question "Does it Fit?"

When a child or teenager is having a meltdown, Johnson recommended asking them a question instead of immediately correcting the behavior.

"Does this fit your end goal?" she said to ask.

Whether it's a tantrum, eye-rolling or an argument, this question helps the child shift from emotion to thinking.

"Their brain will go, 'No, this does not get me what I want,'" Johnson explained.

That moment of reflection helps kids reconnect with their logic and self-awareness.

Be unshakeable in your boundaries and unconditional in your kindness.

"This really is us being willing to be much more of a thermostat in our home instead of a thermometer," Johnson said. "Thermostats set the temperature. They regulate it. They manage it.  A thermometer reacts to temperature."

Functioning like a thermometer pulls us into every emotional storm. When we act like a thermostat, we create stability, consistency and calm.

" It's making sure that we're setting that temperature and we're holding firm," she said.

This story originally aired on KSL TV and has been reformatted for a digital audience using artificial intelligence.