Self-compassion is not weakness. 3 ways to help kids build this skill

SALT LAKE CITY — Self-compassion is one of those phrases thrown around in therapy chats, but Ginger Healy said it's an important skill for kids to learn and it deserves a place in parenting circles, too.

Benefits of Self-Compassion in Kids

• Reduces Stress
• Strengthens Emotional Regulation
• Builds Resilience
• Helps Navigate Disappointment
• Helps Manage Conflict & Challenges

"Kids who are kind to themselves are less stressed," Healy said. "They're better able to manage their emotions and more resilient."

Instead of getting overwhelmed by hard things, kids who know how to have self-compassion develop a healthier relationship with mistakes and challenges.

"They can handle disappointment and rejection," Healy said.

That resilience is an important life skill, especially as kids are going up against increasing social, academic and personal pressures.

While some kids might naturally seem more forgiving of themselves than others, Healy emphasized that self-compassion can be learned.

"It is not something we're born with," she said. "It takes a lifetime to develop, lots of practice."

Healy shared two myths many parents believe about self-compassion.

Myth #1: Self-Compassion Makes Kids Lazy

The first misconception is that being kind to yourself makes you lazy. Healy said that's completely backwards.

"I think there's a big misunderstanding that if we're kind to ourselves, then we're lowering expectations or we're avoiding accountability," she explained. "Nothing could be further from the truth."

When kids understand that their mistakes are temporary and manageable, their brains actually get better at solving problems. Rather than just giving up after they fail, they are more willing to learn from it.

"This is just a mistake. This is temporary. I can fix it," Healy explained. "It allows kids the opportunity to pivot, apply what they've learned when they mess up, and try again."

Myth #2: Self-Compassion Is Weakness or Self-Pity

Many people believe that being critical with ourselves is what motivates us.

"I think sometimes we think that if we're harder on ourselves, we'll be more successful," Healy explained. "Self-criticism, shame, those are not good motivators."

She emphasized that self-compassion actually boosts momentum. When kids understand that everyone experiences setbacks, they are more willing to keep trying.

"When we understand that everybody has disappointments, everybody gets frustrated, everybody makes a mistake, then actually, self-compassion becomes fuel for growth," Healy said.

3 Ways to Help Kids Build Self-Compassion Skills

Normalize Mistakes

One of the best ways to teach self-compassion is by modeling it ourselves. Parents often underestimate how much children learn by watching them.

"We as adults, when we make mistakes, we need to normalize it," Healy explained.

After we make a mistake, show kids a healthy response instead of being critical. Those moments show our children that mistakes aren't personal failures, they're actually opportunities to learn.

"You know, I wish I would've handled that better. I'm gonna give myself a do-over and try again," she suggested. "They will watch that."

Teach Children to Notice Their Feelings Without Judgement

Healy also said to focus on emotional awareness. Kids usually learn to categorize their emotions as either good or bad, but she emphasized that it's more helpful to treat emotions as information.

"Let's pause. Notice what's going on inside us without judgment," she said. "Feelings are just feelings. They're not good or bad. They're trying to tell us something."

Teaching our kids to pause, name their emotions and observe them keeps them from getting overwhelmed. Not every child has the words they need or the willingness to talk about their emotions. In those situations, Healy recommended observing without forcing them to answer questions.

"Just explore it. Just notice it," she said. "This feels hard. This seems challenging."

The goal is to expose them to the language of emotions and create a safe environment they know they can come to in the future.

Help Children Build Supportive Self-Talk

Many kids develop harsh internal voices after making mistakes. Healy said parents can help kids create a different response for themselves.

"That negative inner critic can sometimes get really loud," she noted. "Instead of, 'I'm terrible. I've messed this up. I can't do this ... I'm trying. I can fix this. I'm learning."

Those replacement thoughts make room for growth instead of shame.

Find more advice from Ginger Healy on Instagram, @gingerhealy.

This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.