It's not chemistry, it's emotional safety. 4 habits that make you a safe person to others

SALT LAKE CITY — Most of us have been taught that a "click" between two people comes from chemistry, a personality match or spending time together. But psychology tells us something different: that the people we feel close to are often the people who make us feel emotionally safe.

Dr. Matt Townsend said that safety doesn't just happen, it's something we can create. He shared four habits that will help us be the kind of person that others naturally want to open up to.

Choose to Create Safer Interactions

It can be natural to wait for the other person to take the first step. We wait for them to open up, be vulnerable or share something meaningful. Dr. Townsend said to do the opposite.

"One of the best ways to create safe spaces is be more vulnerable," he said. "Go first."

That's not oversharing, it's letting people see a genuine version of you. Sharing your own insecurities, struggles or honest thoughts lets the other person know that it's safe for them to do the same.

"If you want to show safety... be showing your safety by being vulnerable," Dr. Townsend explained.

Focus on Being Interested, Not Impressive

When we first meet people, we usually try to make a good impression. Dr. Townsend said that can actually get in the way of a deeper connection.

"I don't need to go impress, I don't need to razzmatazz you, I don't need to do my jazz hands," he said. "The audience is you being better understood so you feel safer to connect."

Being interested looks like asking questions, remembering details and showing genuine curiosity about another person's life. Listening carefully and following up on what people share is an important part of that.

"When you tell me a story, I can remember it," he said. "I can go back to it."

Dr. Townsend said one of the best ways to show your interest and connect on a deeper level is to ask better questions. Don't stop at the surface, ask something more meaningful. Instead of stopping at asking someone what they do for a living, ask, "What is it you love most about your job?"

"Deeper questions get deeper answers from the people and deeper connection," Dr. Townsend said.

Help Others to Truly Feel Seen

The biggest way you can make others feel emotionally safe is making sure they feel understood.

"Listen more. Understand them more. Care more," Dr. Townsend said. "Don't always try to make everything about your frame of reference."

People feel safe when they know someone is genuinely trying to understand them. Dr. Townsend said to demonstrate through your words and actions that they matter to you.

Notice What You Are Becoming

Dr. Townsend emphasized that these habits don't just improve relationships. They change you too.

"When you start to create safety with other people, it starts to change you," he said. "This is the source of influence in our lives with others."

Dr. Townsend believes genuine connection happens when you show up as your real self. When people feel safe around you, opportunities for meaningful relationships grow. When one person creates emotional safety, it helps the other person to do the same.

"Once I know you care, then I'm ready to connect," he emphasized.

Find more advice from Dr. Matt Townsend at matttownsend.com.