Estimated read time: 13-14 minutes

This is Part 1 of author and humor columnist Dave Barry's annual Year in Review.

How stupid was 2024?

Let's start with the art world, which over the centuries has given humanity so many beautiful, timeless masterpieces. This year, the biggest story involving art, by far, was that a cryptocurrency businessman paid $6.2 million at a Sotheby's auction for ...

A banana.

Which he ate.

"It's much better than other bananas," he told the press.

And that was not the stupidest thing that happened in 2024. It might not even crack the top 10. Because this was also a year when:

The Olympics awarded medals for breakdancing.
Fully grown adults got into fights in Target stores over "Stanley" brand drinking cups, which are part of the national obsession with hydration that causes many Americans to carry large-capacity beverage containers at all times as if they're setting off on a trek across the Sahara instead of going to Trader Joe's.
Despite multiple instances of property damage, injury and even death, expectant couples continued to insist on revealing the genders of their unborn children by blowing things up, instead of simply telling people.
The number of people who identify as "influencers" continued to grow exponentially, which means that unless we find a cure, within 10 years everybody on the planet will be trying to make a living by influencing everybody else.
Hundreds of millions of Americans set their clocks ahead in March, then set them all back in November — without having the faintest idea why. (Granted, Americans do this every year; we're just pointing out that it's stupid).

But what made 2024 truly special, in terms of sustained idiocy, was that it was an election year. This meant that day after day, month after month, the average American voter was subjected to a relentless gushing spew of campaign messaging created by political professionals who — no matter what side they're on — all share one unshakeable core belief, which is that the average American voter has the intellectual capacity of a potted fern. It was a brutal, depressing slog, and it felt as though it would never end. It may still be going on in California, a state that apparently tabulates its ballots on a defective Etch-a-Sketch.

For most of us, though, the elections and this insane year, are finally over. But before we move on to whatever (heaven help us) lies ahead, let's ingest our anti-nausea medication and take one last cringing look back at the events of 2024, starting with ...

January

The nation finds itself trapped in a 1970s slasher movie, the kind in which some teenagers — played by the major political parties — are in a creepy house, being pursued by a terrifying entity, played by a rerun of the 2020 presidential election.

The only sane thing for the teenagers to do is get the heck out of there, but, instead, they pause by the dark, scary-looking doorway leading down to the basement, and despite the fact that the theater audience — played by the American public — is shouting DON'T GO DOWN THERE! JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE YOU IDIOTS! — the teenagers decide to go down into the basement, only to find OH NOOOOOO.

And so, thanks to our political system — under which the nominees for the most powerful office in the world are chosen by approximately 73 people in approximately four rural states while the vast majority of Americans are still taking down their Christmas decorations — we once again find ourselves facing a choice between Joe Biden and Donald Trump.

Both candidates carry baggage. Trump is wanted on criminal charges in something like 23 states and, if elected, could become the first president to govern from a secret hideout. His speeches are sounding increasingly unhinged, which is no small feat since he did not sound particularly hinged in the first place.

For his part, President Biden keeps saying words that do not appear in any known human language and gives the impression that any day now he's going to shuffle into a state dinner wearing only a bathrobe. But not necessarily his bathrobe.

In other words, we have one candidate who lost the last election but claims he won it, and another candidate who won the last election but might not remember what year that was. America, the choice is yours!

Meanwhile, the nation is facing some serious problems.

Foremost among them is the situation on the border with Mexico, which at one time was a legally separate nation from the United States but is now basically functioning as a vestibule. This has resulted in a tense confrontation between the federal government and Texas, which is alarming because, in the words of one military analyst, "Texas has way more guns."

In government news, the Pentagon is harshly criticized for taking more than three days to notify the White House that Defense Secretary Lloyd J. Austin Ill had been hospitalized. This prompts the administration to check up on the rest of the cabinet, only to discover that at least four other secretaries are missing, and the secretary of Commerce died three years ago.

Abroad, fighting continues to rage in both Ukraine and Gaza, although these conflicts are no longer getting a ton of attention in the U.S. media because of all the news being generated by Taylor Swift.

In a troubling aviation incident, an Alaska Airlines Boeing 737 Max 9 flying at 16,000 feet suddenly develops a refrigerator-sized hole in the fuselage when an improperly attached panel blows off, terrifying passengers who have reason to wonder whether the airline crew, instead of making a big deal about the position of everybody's tray table, should maybe be checking to see if the plane has been correctly bolted together.

As a safety precaution, the Federal Aviation Administration grounds all Max 9s and advises passengers on other Boeing aircraft to "avoid sitting near windows." For its part, Boeing states that "at least the plane didn't lose a really important part, like one of the whaddycallits, wings."

Speaking of big corporations making questionable products, in ...

February

... Apple launches the much-anticipated "Vision Pro," a virtual-reality headset costing more than your grandfather paid (Just ask him!) for his first car. But it's worth it because when you put it on, thanks to a revolutionary "spatial computing" system coupled with 12 cameras and a 23-million-pixel display, you look like an idiot.

Special counsel Robert Hur concludes his yearlong investigation into Joe Biden's handling of classified documents by releasing a 388-page report concluding that Biden "does not appear to have all his oars in the water." An angry Biden immediately holds a press conference, during which he heatedly denies Hur's assertion and (this really happened) refers to Egyptian leader Abdel Fattah el-Sisi as the "president of Mexico."

In other White House news, CNN, after reviewing documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, reports that the Biden family's German shepherd, Commander, bit Secret Service personnel in at least 24 incidents, eclipsing the record previously held by Dick Cheney.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump, who is appearing in court more often than Perry Mason, is found guilty by a New York civil judge on charges of financial fraud, aiding and abetting, aggravated contempt, disorderly obstruction, second-degree vagrancy and loitering with intent to conspire. The judge fines Trump nearly half a billion dollars and bans him for the next three years from riding in any motorcade more than six cars long. Two days later a defiant Trump attends an event called "Sneaker Con," where (this also really happened) he unveils a line of footwear, including the gold-colored Never Surrender High Top Sneaker (Actual Marketing Slogan: "Your rally cry in shoe form").

In a highly controversial decision, the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos are, for legal purposes, children, and therefore must immediately be thawed out and provided with iPhones.

Tucker Carlson conducts a two-hour interview with Vladimir Putin, offering Westerners a rare opportunity to find out what the Russian leader really thinks. It turns out he thinks Tucker Carlson is a useful idiot.

In a Super Bowl for the ages, two teams compete against each other under the watchful gaze of Taylor Swift.

Speaking of spectacles, in ...

March

... President Biden, seeking to dispel persistent rumors that he is an elderly man, delivers a State of the Union address consisting almost entirely of shouting. This performance does not significantly improve his poll numbers, but it's a big hit with members of the Washington press corps, several hundred of whom decide, independently, to describe the speech as "fiery."

In their response, the Republicans, always looking for new ways to demonstrate their incompetence, elect to have Alabama Sen. Katie Britt deliver a disturbingly melodramatic talk from (Why not?) her kitchen, where she gives the impression that she has just ingested a wide range of pharmaceuticals, and nobody, least of all Sen. Britt, knows which one is going to kick in next.

Yet another federal budget crisis is averted at the last minute when Congress passes a $1.2 trillion spending bill, which will enable the government to keep spending insanely more money than it takes in. The U.S. debt is now growing at the rate of a trillion dollars every 100 days, but fortunately this is not a problem because it will be taken care of by future generations. "No problem! Just put it on our tab!" is the view of future generations, and that is why we love them.

In other high-finance news, Donald Trump's lawyers tell a New York court that he cannot raise the nearly half-billion dollars he needs for an appeal bond, having been turned down by more than 30 bond companies and an individual known as Anthony "Tony Three Nostrils" Avocado. Trump gets a break when an appeals court lowers the amount to $175 million, which Trump says he definitely has, although he left it in his other pants.

In a possibly related development, Trump announces that he is selling — we are not making this up — "God Bless the USA" Bibles for $59.95 a pop.

"It's my favorite book," he states, moments before being struck by lightning.

No, that did not happen and you are a bad person for even fantasizing about it.

In aviation news, a Boeing plane flying from Australia to New Zealand suddenly goes into a nosedive, injuring 50 people. Another Boeing plane, taking off from the San Francisco airport, loses a piece of landing gear. A Boeing spokesperson says that the company, after conducting an in-depth review, has tentatively identified the root cause of the recent problems.

"We think it's gravity," said the spokesperson. "It seems to be getting worse." As a safety precaution, Boeing is advising pilots to avoid taking off, and simply taxi the planes from city to city, which the spokesperson says "may result in delays, especially to overseas destinations."

Speaking of exciting things happening in the sky, in ...

April

... the nation is enthralled by a total eclipse, a rare celestial occurrence in which the earth, sun and moon align in such a way as to cause a large number of people to deliberately travel to Indianapolis. Huge crowds in the path of the totality watch excitedly as the sky gradually turns completely dark — a spectacular sight that most people will never witness again in their lifetimes unless they're still around at sunset.

In other natural phenomena, a magnitude 4.8 earthquake with an epicenter in central New Jersey rattles the northeast. New York City is completely paralyzed, although not because of the earthquake; it's always completely paralyzed. But for a few seconds, there is slightly less honking.

New York remains in the news with the onset of the single most exciting thing ever to happen to CNN: yet another trial of Donald Trump. In this one he's charged with falsifying business records as part of a scheme to guarantee that every single human being on the planet, including members of primitive tribes in the Amazon jungle, would be aware that Trump had a one-night stand with porn star Stormy Daniels.

At least that's how it worked out.

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, a contender to be Trump's running mate, bolsters her case with a new book in which she reveals — apparently on the advice of the same public relations firm used by Boeing — that she once shot and killed her family dog, Cricket. Many people are appalled by this revelation, although Noem's supporters note that she would be a handy person to have around the White House if the Commander ever comes back.

Speaking of commanders: President Biden, campaigning in Pennsylvania, suggests — twice — that his uncle was eaten by cannibals after his plane went down off the New Guinea coast during World War II. The prime minister of Papua New Guinea objects to the president's cannibal story on the nitpicky grounds that it is not true. Nevertheless, the president seems to sincerely believe that it happened, and it was HIS uncle, dammit.

As the tragic situation in Gaza worsens, American college students on a growing number of campuses engage in protests and other dramatic actions intended to draw attention to the single most important issue facing the world: the feelings of American college students.

Speaking of drama, in ...

May

... Stormy Daniels tells a New York jury in explicit detail about her encounter with Donald Trump during a 2006 celebrity golf tournament, testifying that when she came out of the bathroom in Trump's hotel suite, he was waiting for her wearing only a T-shirt and boxer shorts, and before she could stop him he proceeded to falsify business records.

True Trivia Fact: Trump finished 62nd in that celebrity tournament.

The golfer who finished 43rd was Dan Quayle.

On weekends, when he's not in court, Trump continues to campaign for president. While discussing immigration policy at a rally in New Jersey, he makes the following statement, printed here verbatim:

"Silence of the Lambs. Has anyone ever seen The Silence of the Lambs? The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man. He often times would have a friend for dinner. Remember the last scene? 'Excuse me. I'm about to have a friend for dinner,' as this poor doctor walked by. 'I'm about to have a friend for dinner.' But Hannibal Lecter. Congratulations. The late, great Hannibal Lecter."

This statement raises several questions, including:

What?
Seriously, what?
Is it possible that it was actually Hannibal Lecter who ate Joe Biden's uncle?

Speaking of Joe Biden, his poll numbers continue to be bad as voters express their unhappiness about the economy, especially inflation. This is very frustrating for White House spokespersons, who are constantly pointing out that inflation is no longer a problem on whatever planet it is that White House spokespersons live on. Unfortunately, it's still a problem here on Earth, where prices are significantly higher for basic needs such as food, gas, housing and tickets to the Met Gala, which cost only $50,000 last year but jumped to $75,000 this year, leaving many attendees so broke that they are forced to attend wearing what appear to be Halloween costumes.

In other presidential news, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., seeking to set himself apart from the two flawed major-party candidates and offer voters a rational alternative, tells the New York Times that doctors found a dead worm in his brain.

Meanwhile, in a spectacular, much-anticipated natural phenomenon, trillions of cicadas emerge from the ground, watch 15 minutes of cable TV news, and elect to die.

As the month draws to a close, Trump is found guilty on all 34 felony counts of whatever it is that he was charged with. The convictions deal a fatal blow to his candidacy.

Ha ha! We are of course joking. The convictions, like all the other legal actions against Trump, are a massive boost for his candidacy, energizing his supporters and generating tens of millions of dollars in donations, an outcome that could have been predicted by anybody with a rudimentary understanding of Trump's appeal, although it apparently did not occur to the geniuses behind this particular legal strategy.

Speaking of strategies that do not work out as planned, in ...