Are you getting too good at arguing? Here are 4 ways to reset unwanted patterns

SALT LAKE CITY — What if the biggest challenge in your relationship isn't really about communication styles or love languages? What if it's the patterns you've trained yourselves to repeat? Neuroscience shows our brains adapt through experience and repetition, meaning couples can get very good at things they don't actually want more of, like arguing, withdrawing or assuming the worst.

Relationship coach Dr. Matt Townsend shared four ways to recognize and reset those patterns.

Your brain gets better at what you practice.

Your brain gets familiar with the patterns it's practicing. Even when those patterns aren't helping your relationship, you might find yourself repeating the same reactions and expecting a different outcome.

Dr. Townsend explained the more you practice a particular response, the more naturally you'll turn to it. So if your typical response to conflict is criticism, defensiveness or shutting down, those reactions can become your default.

"You create what you practice, not what you're hoping will happen," he said.

Wanting a healthier relationship isn't enough if you keep practicing the same behaviors that keep you stuck. He said the key is to identify one specific habit you want to change and intentionally work on it.

"If you always get really defensive, then choose that one thing and go start learning how to change and practice not being defensive," Dr. Townsend gave as an example. "Take one month and just focus on not being defensive, and change two or three patterns in defensiveness, and then all of a sudden you'll see the pattern start to change."

He also emphasized that we need to recognize the pattern itself before trying to change it. Stop waiting for your relationship to change on its own. Start by changing one part yourself.

Your feelings are real, but they aren't always right.

Emotions are important, but Dr. Townsend said not to automatically treat every feeling as an accurate interpretation of what's happening.

"I don't want you to not trust your feelings. Don't disregard. But the problem is if your feelings are intense, then your interpretations are even worse," he emphasized.

When emotions run high, it's easy to jump to conclusions. Maybe your partner doesn't respond the way you expected and you immediately feel rejected. Or something they said makes you feel unsupported, leading you to believe they don't care about you. Those feelings are real, but the story you're telling yourself about them might not be.

"If something happened in your marriage and you felt like he wasn't there for you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But it might feel like he doesn't love you," Dr. Townsend said. "Feelings are just a cue, and you don't have to believe everything you're feeling ... Accept the feeling, but don't over-intensify the interpretation."

He suggested sitting with the emotion for about 90 seconds, letting it pass and then choosing the healthiest interpretation. Separate what you feel from what you think it means. You can acknowledge the hurt without assuming the worst about your partner or your relationship.

When you keep revisiting old conflict, you keep reliving it.

We've all replayed an argument in our heads, thinking about what we should have said or what we wish we'd done differently. Sometimes it feels like we're working through the conflict, but Dr. Townsend emphasized that repeatedly revisiting an argument actually keeps us stuck in it. Instead of finding a resolution, you keep mentally replaying the same conversation, imagining different outcomes or getting more frustrated with what happened.

"You don't resolve it in re-ruminating it and rethinking the fight," Dr. Townsend said. "Fix it, don't fret about it."

Rather than spending hours thinking about what your partner did or what you wish you had said, he suggested shifting that energy toward something you can actually change: your own response.

Think about one thing you could have handled differently during the disagreement. Maybe you could have listened more carefully, avoided making a critical comment or taken a moment to cool down before responding. Once you've identified what you can improve, focus on putting that change into practice.

"Use all that same energy that you're ruminating on to actually go fix your side of it, your part of the issue," Dr. Townsend said. "Then what's weird is you start practicing fixing, not fretting."

Familiar doesn't always mean healthy.

Sometimes the habits that are hardest to break are the ones that feel the most familiar. Even when a particular argument or reaction consistently leads to frustration, you might fall into the same routine just because it's what you know. Dr. Townsend said recognizing that familiarity is an important step toward changing the dynamic.

"It's harming our relationship. So what if we actually took recognizing the ineffective pattern and found some way to catch ourselves in it that's familiar?" he said.

Dr. Townsend shared an example of a couple he worked with who had experienced some intense river rapids during a trip to Alaska. The experience was memorable enough that they decided to use it as a signal whenever they noticed themselves falling into an unhealthy argument. They called the pattern "cats in the washing machine," referencing the name of the rapids.

Whenever one of them noticed an argument starting to follow the same familiar path, they used that phrase to help the other recognize what was happening.

"So now whenever one of them sees the pattern, they can go to the familiar experience they shared and say, 'Oh, cats in the washing machine.' And then they can time it out, and then go create a better response," Dr. Townsend explained.

Get more advice from Dr. Matt Townsend at matttownsend.com.

This story originally aired on KSL TV and has been reformatted for a digital audience using artificial intelligence.