The built-in phrase parents need to stop saying (and what to do instead when kids don't listen)

SALT LAKE CITY — It's a phrase that almost feels built into our parenting language: "you're not listening." But when a teenager doesn't do what you ask or respond to what you say, it actually isn't a listening problem.

Sean Kane is a former middle school teacher and dad of three. He teaches research-backed parenting strategies on his Instagram platform "Growth Mindset Parenting." He said that every parent should retire that question: "are you listening to me?"

"Listening is a single skill," he said. " Listening is the hearing with the intent to understand something."

 Kane explained that what parents are actually saying is, "I wanted you to complete a task." They may have heard and listened to the request, but there's more that comes after the initial instruction.

"There's an entire chain of events and behaviors that they have to execute that are inside their executive function that are going to actually allow them to complete that task, and those things are not listening," he explained.

Once a child hears the request, they still need to organize, initiate, focus, remember and complete the task. Those skills fall under executive functioning, not listening.

Many parents might instinctively interpret unfinished tasks as a sign of disrespect.

"I think when we jump to the conclusion that says, 'Hey, you didn't complete the thing that I asked you to do,' and we label that as disrespect, then we are creating a pretty serious appraisal of a kid," Kane said.

A child might have lost track of time. They might have gotten distracted. They might have forgotten the steps needed to finish the task.

"It may very well be something else that's stopping their action," he noted.

Middle School and High School Kids Need Collaboration

In the teenage years, kids are craving more autonomy and independence. Commands and directives get less effective because teens are learning how to think and act for themselves. Kane said collaboration is a better strategy than trying to get them to comply with demands.

"Collaborating with early and middle adolescents is the most effective way to actually get them to 'listen' to what you have to say," he said.

Ask Them to Repeat the Request

One of Kane's strategies comes from teachers.

"Say that back to me one more time," he suggested. "Remind me what you need to do."

When a child can repeat the instructions in their own words, they process and understand the request instead of just hearing it.

 "A 13-year-old isn't gonna love this, but it's gonna work great for an eight-year-old," Kane emphasized. "It's an intensely useful check for understanding."

Help Them Internalize the Message

Say the task you want your child to complete is finishing the laundry. For many kids, especially those who struggle with organization, a task like that isn't one task. It's several tasks.

" That actually is gonna probably require a couple different discrete steps," Kane explained.

He said parents can help kids move forward by guiding them through some things.

" 'What are we gonna do? What are we not gonna do?'" he said to ask. "You're internalizing ... You're expanding on that check for understanding to make sure they actually understand the discrete steps that are in there."

Close the Loop with Feedback

Once a child does what you've asked, make sure to give them feedback.

"They have to understand when things are done," Kane said. "Instant, clear feedback is one of the most important things."

He explained that quick, clear feedback helps the child understand if they did what you asked or not.

"That is gonna help a kid finish tasks," Kane emphasized.

Find more parenting advice from Sean Kane on Instagram, @growth.mindset.parenting.

This story originally aired on KSL TV and has been reformatted for a digital audience using artificial intelligence.