Identity: Why it matters for kids in sports more than you think

SALT LAKE CITY — School is starting, sports are ramping up and for a lot of kids, and honestly parents, the pressure is already building.

Mental performance coach Lorrine Headrick works with students and athletes of all ages. She said the difference between a kid who crumbles under pressure and one who rises comes down to something most families never talk about: identity.

Their identity is not their performance

Students and athletes today specialize earlier than ever before. Headrick said many kids begin defining themselves through one activity.

"They're performing so long that it becomes their identity," she emphasized.

The danger in this mindset comes when their performance doesn't meet their expectations.

"If they make an error or their performance isn't how they expect or others expect," she explained, "they don't know what to do with themselves."

When kids connect their worth entirely to results, setbacks become much bigger than a bad game or disappointing grade.

"They feel like they're not enough," Headrick said.

Don't make wins or losses about you

Headrick emphasized that parents don't intentionally create this problem.

"I don't think it starts out that way," she explained. "We all have really great intentions."

As parents, we care. We want to support our children and help them succeed. But sometimes the messages we send them aren't communicated through words. After a hard game or disappointing performance, we might automatically show our frustration without realizing it. Even silence sends a message.

"Their body language, their facials will show it," Headrick noted. "Maybe they're not talking on the ride home."

Our kids are already replaying the experience in their mind.

"When they see that body language, even if it's not words, they're starting to feel like they're not enough," she said.

Headrick said to pause and think before reacting.

"How do I want to show up in this situation, no matter what the outcome is?" she suggested asking.

Instead of responding emotionally in the moment, parents should decide in advance how they want to support their child after a success and a setback.

She emphasized that no parent handles every situation perfectly, the goal is to just be aware.

Ask one less question

We naturally want to talk about our child's day, game or performance. But sometimes kids need space before they need questions.

"As parents, we care. We're interested in how their day is," she said. "Ask one less question."

Athletes and students are probably spending the car ride home processing their own thoughts and emotions. Immediately throwing them a review of what happened can be overwhelming. Instead of an analysis, focus on something else completely. You don't need to avoid the important conversation. You just need to give kids room to decompress first.

Finish the sentence: "I am _______ and I am ___."

One of Headrick's favorite exercises starts with this surprisingly simple prompt. Can they name who they are beyond the sport or the grade? While working with a championship-level college team, she asked athletes to finish that sentence.

"I started going around the room," Headrick recalled. "I think three quarters of the room couldn't answer it."

Being an athlete had become such a dominant identity that they struggled to identify anything else. This exercise isn't meant to create more pressure. It's to bring an awareness to other meaningful parts of who they are.

"Bonus points if you can think of one more than just one," Headrick said.

When kids get overwhelmed by expectations, competition and results, joy tends to disappear. Ask them when the last time they had fun was.

"Maybe it was years back," she said.

That's not because kids don't enjoy their sports or activities. It's because pressure can crowd out the enjoyment that drew them there in the first place. Creating opportunities for them to have fun can help bring some perspective and balance.

"Maybe it's an opportunity to create some new habits," Headrick explained.

Who your child is matters more than what they do

Life is healthier when kids know they are more than an athlete, more than a student and more than any single accomplishment.

"It's all about expansion," she said.

Helping kids see themselves through multiple lenses helps them be resilient when challenges come.

"Helping them to know their worth outside of maybe one role," Headrick explained.

When identity is built on something larger than performance, pressure loses its power. That's often what allows kids not just to succeed, but to thrive.

This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.