BOUNTIFUL — Pure panic surged in Bountiful resident Sia Tuinei as she heard the diagnosis.

Stage 3 breast cancer. Not yet terminal, but very close.

She immediately thought of her husband and two children. She didn’t want to leave them. She couldn’t.

Tuinei wasn’t the first in her family to have this type of breast cancer. She’d watched two of her cousins go through the same thing. She told the doctors she didn’t want to do chemotherapy treatment — she’d seen how it damaged the body.

But there was nothing left to do.

For the next few months, Tuinei underwent chemotherapy to shrink the invading tumors. Soon after, she had a double mastectomy and endured radiation therapy.

She’s been in remission since February.

* * *

When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, it can be difficult to know how to help. KSL.com has compiled tips from Tuinei and nine other cancer survivors about what helped them most while they underwent treatment.

When asked what the most challenging part of her experience was, Tuinei draws a blank.

“I’ve gotten so much love and appreciation this past year,” she said, fighting back tears. “I’ve always had kind of low self-esteem. Then to just have everybody come together and love me so much — it’s just been an amazing year. I’m just really, really grateful.”

One of Tuinei’s friends even gathered their friend group for a get-together when she learned of the diagnosis.

"They had all this going on, and they just stopped everything and rallied around me. That got me through so many days," she said.

Though friends and family “spoiled” her with gifts and attention, what she loved most were the cards and expressions of love and support.

“I had to start putting them up on my wall,” Tuinei laughed.”All of it together just gave me so much strength. They believed I could do it. They really thought I could do it, even though I didn’t think I could.”

And Tuinei was surprised by how normal life remained during treatment. It was difficult for her, though, when someone would treat her differently as soon as they heard what she was going through.

“People would stop telling me what was wrong. They stopped letting me help them because they thought, ‘Oh, I can’t talk to you because my life is nothing compared to yours,’” she said. “That was hard because people put you aside that way. I know it’s a pedestal, but it’s still not real. It’s not me.”

Tuinei urged others who have friends and family diagnosed with cancer to treat them like the same person they were before. Be yourself, and let them be themselves — everybody is going through something difficult, she added.

“All (they) need is you."

Theresa H.

Talk about anything. Just anything. Life, kids, pets, etc. Yes, it is OK to talk about the cancer, the treatment, etc. But that's not all there is to talk about.

Aubrey P.

I'm sure everyone is different, but for me I appreciated it most when people would check up on me but not dwell on the cancer thing too much or be overly sympathetic. It was nice to know they cared and then to talk about and do other things versus being with the people that were overly sympathetic or visibly shaken or worried. As nice as they were trying to be, all it did was terrify me and make me feel like I was going to die.

Jenny R.

I loved it when people would call me and say, "What do you feel like eating right NOW," and then go get it for me. I had a thing for Coke Slurpees while in chemo, and one friend gave me a gift card to 7-11.

Other friends would bring me barf bags from their flights. Those things hold barf so well.

I loved it when someone would simply say, "I'm coming to vacuum your floors," or wash the windows or dust or something. They wouldn't ask me what I needed, but they just showed up and did stuff like that. I also loved it when people could make me laugh, or when they would just cry with me.

Grant R.

I think each person is different. As for me, cancer has been a blessing more than not, BUT — in the beginning, I really enjoyed cards/care packages in the mail. To me, it just showed extra effort, not to downplay anyone who didn’t, but it did mean a lot early on. In our day and age, a text can be good, BUT a phone call is always better. Even from strangers! I really enjoyed that. But to show up at my door, whether in person or via mail, was special, too.

Also, people have come to me saying they didn’t know what to say — say anything! Not out of pity, just say whatever comes to your mind and heart. I’ve kept myself busy — but being included in activities/events was nice. ...

P.S. This is important, as well — cancer is a ripple effect. A lot of times, the family/friends take it harder than the patient, so look out for the family as well. Some people from church brought my family dinners, called my parents and even have had fundraisers for me. Just always be yourself and be creative when looking out for whoever it may be!

Amy Joi O.

I think the No. 1 thing people can do is be a willing listener. It is not so much about the advice as it is about the ability to freely vent with a friend, spouse or family member. It’s not always roses. People feel uncomfortable with uncomfortable emotions like sadness and anger, but they are common side effects of cancer and need to be expressed.

It’s hard to always have a cheery countenance when you have encountered something as dramatic and life-changing as a potentially terminal disease.

Sometimes people will ask if you are OK. It is hard to know what to say if you aren’t OK in that moment. I think it is more effective to offer "Hey, if you ever need to talk or want to go to lunch," than the other.

Also, cancer shouldn’t define us. It’s not a mental thing, although you do feel distracted, tired, etc. I am determined as ever to always be on my game.

Criscell M.

Sometimes it’s just doing instead of asking. It’s hard as a recipient to ask for help, or when someone asks if you need meals. When I was a teenager and had cancer, the neighbors would just bring meals. As an adult diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt like a burden. If they asked if I needed any meals, I felt bad and would say no. I wished I had said yes, but that’s just not me.

Also, just because we aren’t having chemo or radiation at the moment doesn’t mean the energy level isn’t low or that there aren’t any needs. Just a friend to get you out of the house for a girls night was very rejuvenating. Or taking kids so husband and wife can have a date night.

Megan D.

My daughter was diagnosed at the age of two years old with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. The greatest help we received during that time of starting chemotherapy treatment and adjusting to our "new normal," were these things:

• Having freezer meals.
• Be a friend. Sometimes it’s just listening to what the patient/parents are going through.
• On-call babysitters to watch younger children.
• Someone to talk too (sic) —Cancer support groups who 'really get what you’re going through.'
• Fundraiser — Our community came together and put on a fun run that helped raised funds to pay for bills. It was really helpful because the bills do pile in even while being in the hospital, and it can be overwhelming and stressful to deal with while helping a sick child/family member, along with all the other aspects of life.
• Visits — As long as the patient can have visitors. Visits really do brighten up their day though and change it up.

Becky B.

Every situation is different, and personalities can change through the treatment. Here is some of my advice.

• Getting cards in the mail was the best! I knew someone was thinking about me, but I didn't have to entertain.
• When one person gets cancer, the entire family gets cancer. Are you doing something fun? See if my kids want to go.
• Along the same lines, I received lots of well wishes, but my husband was pretty alone during my treatment. Include the spouse too.
• Because the chemo, transplant, and/or radiation are over doesn't mean I am better. While generally I feel a million times better, my journey is not over — and there are days I still fall apart. Be patient.
• I went through a lot of "cravings" during this process — there was one cycle when the only thing I could drink was Sprite, and I appreciated the friend who heard it in a conversation and stocked me up.
• I was in the middle of chemo during Christmas, and it was not the easiest time. I will forever be grateful to a person who offered to do my shopping that year.

Dan B.

Cancer is hard on relationships. It just is. Being a caregiver is just as hard or harder than being a patient. When all your well-meaning friends ask if there’s anything they can do, you might tell them to help you look after your primary caregiver. Help that person feel like he or she has some support — a night out, a break, a listening ear.

There are also absolutely golden moments. I had to go in the hospital Christmas Eve of 2012. … A group of carolers came around, but they all had to wear surgical masks to come in my room. There they all were, singing carols in surgical masks (one was even playing a violin). I’ll remember that forever — maybe the best Christmas memory of my life. Not everything about the cancer experience is bad.

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