Coach Kim: Do you care too much what others think?

Coach Kim: Do you care too much what others think?

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SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, life coaches Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham share 10 ways to break your approval addiction.

Question:

My family has pointed out that I apologize constantly and am always asking for reassurance that I look OK, which are all obvious signs that I have low self-esteem, right? I think I actually love myself and think I’m pretty awesome, yet I do constantly worry about what others think of me and making a good impression. Is that low self-esteem? Is there a way to stop that?

Answer:

You can have good self-esteem — feeling satisfied with yourself — in some specific areas and still have fear of not being good enough in others. Typically, there are four main areas where we try to achieve a sense of human value. They are our appearance, our performance (everything we do and how well we do it), our property (how nice our things are) and approval or the opinions of other people.

Many of us struggle with that last one, the opinions of others and we learned to fear what people thought of us from our parents. We may have watched our mom stress over what the neighbors thought even once, and we drew the conclusion that opinions were something to fear.

If you over-apologize (trying to manage other people’s perception of you), stress over what to wear to impress others, ask if you look OK, change your viewpoint to agree with whoever you are with, talk too much and dominate conversations, show off or tell attention-getting stories, or fall apart when you receive negative feedback or criticism, these are signs you have significant fear around the opinions of others.

Here are some ways to combat that fear and quiet the inner people pleaser in you:

1. See this challenge as your perfect classroom, and the universe as a wise teacher who gives you chances to practice this daily.

People who choose to see the universe as on their side, constantly conspiring with every experience to educated and grow them, tend to push themselves toward personal development and rise more often. Play with the idea that every day you will get one lesson (or chance to practice) no caring what others think of you. Watch for it and consciously choose trust that it doesn’t matter, you are the same you, no matter what they think.

  • When you feel the urge to ask “Do I look OK?” Don’t do it. Trust that your value isn’t tied to your appearance anyway. Go get them with your love instead.
  • When you feel the urge to tell a story or make a comment to get attention, don’t do it. Instead, let others shine and know you are becoming a person you can be proud of.
  • When you feel the urge to apologize, don’t. Just smile and show love to the other person.
  • When you have an opinion different from those around you, share it and consciously choose to feel OK no matter their response.
  • When you get criticism, say “Thank you, I’m going to work on that” then, remind yourself you still have the same value as every other human being on the planet no matter your performance.

2. Choose to see life as a classroom, not a test.

If there is no test, your value isn’t in question. This would mean that every mistake is a lesson (which you can erase and try again) and no mistakes affect your intrinsic worth.

3. Choose to see your value as infinite, absolute and unchangeable.

Your extrinsic accomplishments, though valuable (and important), are not as important, as your intrinsic worth. It’s great if you are successful, accomplished, lose some weight or earn some approval from others — but you don’t need any of these to be good enough.

4. Choose to see all people as having the same intrinsic value as you.

No one is more important or has more value than any other human soul. We are all different and no one on the planet got the same classroom journey you got, so there is no level where it makes sense (or serves you) to compare yourself with others. It would eliminate most of the conflict on the planet if we could choose to see all humans as having the same value.

5. Stop talking for a week (as much as you can).

Set a goal to say as little as possible for one week, and it will amaze you how many of the things that you want to say are about getting validation or managing people’s perceptions of you. This will force you to start thinking before you speak. Use the acronym THINK: is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary or Kind? This will help you decide what’s worth saying.

6. Only post things on social media that pass the THINK filter test.

At least for a while see if you can let go of your need for attention and resist the urge to post.

Ask Coach Kim
Do you have a question for Coach Kim, or maybe a topic you'd like her to address?
Email her at kim@lifeadviceradio.com.

7. Focus on validating others everywhere you go.

If you are intently focused on giving validation and approval to others, you will be a force for love in your world and you will really like who you are.

8. Remember opinions are only stories.

Just because someone thinks something about you, doesn’t make it true. Opinions are only ideas that exist in a person’s head — they have no power, aren’t real, aren’t meaningful and don’t matter. They can’t change you or diminish your value unless you let them.

9. Take some risks and be the genuine YOU.

Disagree with popular opinion, create art and share it, perform, write a weekly column on KSL.com and read the comments left about your work (that is a practice in trusting your value). Taking risks will force you to let go of needing approval. If you love what you do, you will find that you don't care what others think. It takes too much energy and distracts you from loving, lifting and serving others. It keeps your focus on you and your worth, and this is not who you want to be. What others think of you is irrelevant.

10. Don’t be a conformist.

Be yourself. Celebrate your differences instead of trying to be like someone else. Who you are right now is perfect. The world would be a boring place if we were all the same. Alan Sherman said, "A 'normal' person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray."

Don’t be gray. Be bright and shiny, real and so happy with yourself that no approval is needed from anyone else.

You can do this.

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Editor’s Note: Anything in this article is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended, nor should it be interpreted, to (a) be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition; (b) create, and receipt of any information does not constitute, a lawyer-client relationship. You should NOT rely upon any legal information or opinions provided herein. You should not act upon this information without seeking professional legal counsel; and (c) create any kind of investment advisor or financial advisor relationship. You should NOT rely upon the financial and investment information or opinions provided herein. Any opinions, statements, services, offers, or other information or content expressed or made available are those of the respective author(s) or distributor(s) and not of KSL. KSL does not endorse nor is it responsible for the accuracy or reliability of any opinion, information, or statement made in this article. KSL expressly disclaims all liability in respect to actions taken or not taken based on the content of this article.

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