Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes
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Nobody is born a bad driver. Well, actually, babies are bad drivers. Really! Babies can’t drive worth two full diapers.
Now that we think about it, everyone is born a bad driver. Some of us progress to an acceptable standard of driving once our fontanelle firms up a bit and we gain fine motor coordination. And others remain, like babies, a bit careless — distracted by crackers and shiny things, screaming gibberish and drooling at the same time, and with little regard for the constraints of space or time.
Negligent driving is an instinctual behavior pre-programmed in the womb and reinforced in the hellfire of rush hour traffic. It is passed down from generation to generation, observed by Loris-eyed children in the backseat, then duplicated in due time on the freeways of America.
Instinctual behaviors, however, can be unlearned. So whether you never learned or you’ve just gotten lazy, here are some handy tips for rewiring the baby-brained bad driver in us all.
Oh, and before you smugly forward this to all the bad drivers in your life, pause for a moment and look in the rearview mirror. People tend to think they’re the only capable driver in a sea of ineptitude — anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac, right? — but read this with a rigorously honest account of your own driving habits. (Then, by all means, forward it to those other dummies.)
1. Step one is acceptance
Hop, skip, and jump right past the anger and denial stages and into the loving arms of acceptance. Accept that traffic laws — you know, the rules of the road that keep everyone safe? — apply to you. You are great! But you’re not special. Even if you’ve just cross-stitched your fingers together by accident and you are driving yourself to the hospital, you can still use your turn signal.
2. Yellow is for yield
When a traffic light turns yellow, that means slow down, then stop. (The brake pedal is the wide one on the left.) The idea is that everybody comes to a stop so that opposing traffic can flow. It’s like democracy in action! Everyone gets a turn! Everyone gets a fair chance! Nobody gets T-boned because you’re late to a cross-stitching intensive!
3. Pay attention
You really want to finish that cross stitch while waiting for those pesky lights to turn green. The hospital unmangled your fingers and you can finally finish your ironic Judge Judy “Ummm is not an answer” throw pillow. It seems like a good idea! Getting other things done while driving is great multitasking! A terrific use of time! Which is great, because you might not have much left if you drive distracted. Judge Judy would be very disappointed.
4. Weaving is for hair, baskets and tapestries
Weaving is the ancient technique of interlacing strands to create a useful or beautiful bit of fabric. Threads can be woven into clothing or cross-stitching. Hair can be woven into beautiful coiffures. Reeds can be woven into baskets. Lies can be woven into political careers. Cars can be woven into traffic accidents. (Maybe just stay in one lane, mkay? The time you save darting to and fro — which is literally only a couple seconds — isn’t worth the jeopardy you place yourself and everyone around you in.)
5. Four legs good, iPhones bad
If you woke up as a giant insectlike Gregor Samsa in The Metamorphosis, by all means, use your extra pair of legs to get a little cross-stitching done while you drive because you’ll still have the number of appendages required to operate the pedals, the steering wheel and change the radio station. On second thought, no. Still no. No cross-stitching. See #3.
6. Spend some time apart
Your significant other gave you the old “I need space, I’ve met someone who crochets” talk. Sorry about that! You’re great! (see #1) Not to kick you when you're down, but the person you’re tailgating wants to have that talk with you too. “I feel like you’ve been a little clingy since 4500 South. Plus I prefer afghans to embroidery. Please let me go.”
Well folks, there you have it. A few ideas to commute a little safer and a little nicer. And if you’re looking for something new for your commute, check out KSL Cars, where hundreds of new and used vehicles are posted each week.
