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SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares tips for improving your relationship with your spouse.
Question:
I love my spouse, but she is less and less interested in physical intimacy and I don’t want to live the rest of my life without a romantic relationship. I can’t figure out how to get her more excited about it. Is there any way to rekindle someone’s desire and work this out in our marriage? Why do some women lose interest and is there a way to get it back?
Answer:
This is actually the number one most-asked question I get, and there are many reasons a person can lose interest in intimacy or have problems with low libido. I suggest you talk to your spouse about it and see if they are open to talking to their doctor. Certain medications, hormonal issues, menopause and illnesses are just a few of the many biological or chemical reasons for low libido. You may need to rule out these factors first and see what your doctor recommends.
If all of these check out and you feel the problem is more around mindset, fatigue, attraction, communication or just a discomfort with sexuality, here are some tips to consider for improving your relationship:
Seek professional help
There are some people who grew up believing that sex is bad and/or dirty. If they were told this for years, it’s unrealistic to expect them to discard that and immediately see intimacy as a good thing. They could have a subconscious resistance to their own sexuality and may need help changing their subconscious beliefs around it. They might need professional help (perhaps marriage counseling) in changing these beliefs and becoming more comfortable with their sexuality in general.
You might need some work in other parts of your relationship
If your spouse isn’t interested in sex, it may be because your relationship needs some work outside of the bedroom. If you are critical of her, are selfish, are rude or are too sarcastic in your daily life, then there she may lose interest in intimacy. If you improve the relationship and the way you treat her all day, every day, that may increase her interest in intimacy with you.
Understand that your spouse must feel safe with you
This means they may need validation about their worth as a person and not just their appearance. Your spouse may need you to notice all the work they do and appreciate it. They might need to hear that you believe they are smart and capable. If you can become the safest place in the world — the one place where fear of inadequacy isn’t in play — they may grow even more attracted to you and want you. It might also make them trust you more — and for a woman to truly enjoy intimacy, she must trust you.
Chemistry and physical attraction must be there
If she doesn’t like how you look, smell, taste or kiss, intimacy may be difficult. You may need to take inventory and see if you could make some changes. Make sure you take care of your self and have good hygiene. You may need to be honest with yourself about where you might need some work.
Improve your communication
Many people struggle to communicate about physical intimacy. However, if they feel uncomfortable talking about it, they probably aren’t giving you the feedback you might need to make intimacy enjoyable for them. You may need to do some research together and have an open discussion so you can both get better at communicating about and during intimacy.
Make sure you can handle feedback
If your spouse gives you feedback and communicates what is working and what isn’t, you need to be able to take it without getting offended or defensive. If you do, they may give up trying and eventually give up wanting to be with you. You must be teachable, open and even encourage your spouse to tell you the truth. You cannot have a good physical relationship if you can’t handle feedback.
Work on personal development
If your partner is bothered with your immature, selfish, lazy or dishonest behavior, or if they've lost respect for you for any reason, it may be harder for them to feel attracted to you. Check yourself and see if you need to improve your behavior so she can look up to you more. What kind of personal work on yourself would make her respect you more?
Intimacy, like everything else in life, takes knowledge and practice to get good at. If you want a rich physical relationship, invest in learning how to make it more enjoyable for your partner. If you make sure intimacy is all about giving to your partner, not just getting what you need, they may become more interested.
You can do this.
Last week's LIFEadvice:
Coach Kim: There are 2 kinds of people, which are you?
In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim simplifies human behavior and explains relationship dynamics and how to make them thrive.- - - - - -
Editor’s Note: Anything in this article is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended, nor should it be interpreted, to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition; Any opinions, statements, services, offers, or other information or content expressed or made available are those of the respective author(s) or distributor(s) and not of KSL. KSL does not endorse nor is it responsible for the accuracy or reliability of any opinion, information, or statement made in this article. KSL expressly disclaims all liability in respect to actions taken or not taken based on the content of this article.
